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Catch up on the latest psychological advice for boomer women... From Dr. Karen Stephen (aka Doctor
Flamingo)
Mental Health Advisor for the MOST RECENT COLUMNS
by Karen V. Stephen,
Ph.D. Mental Health AdvisorNational Association of Baby Boomer Women
Our Two Lives
In the 1952 novel The Natural by Bernard Malamud, about a baseball
prodigy whose career is sidetracted when he is shot by a serial killer, one line rings true for all of us. It goes something
like this: We get two lives, one we learn from and the other we get left with.
Many of us feel that in our midlife years
we are living in the life we got left with. We married the wrong person(s). We divorced
and are now alone. Our child rearing efforts left us with one kid in jail and the other not speaking.
We married the right person but dropped out of college to put him through med school and now, as widows, are underemployed.
In that life we’ve gotten left with, we have fears about being alone, being destitute,
having no one to care for us in our old age. We start checking out shopping carts to find one in our size!
Read more...
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
April 2009 NABBW Column What Is It Like When Things
Fall Apart? Just in the past few months, as our worldwide economy is falling apart, I am witnessing an increase in the number
of women who feel their own personal lives are falling apart. They are experiencing not only the usual drain of chronic
health issues and conflict-filled relationships but the onslaught on unexpected stressors—being fired or laid off from
jobs, the sudden tragic deaths of loved ones, and loss of their homes. None
of these events have quick fixes and, indeed, many have no “fix” at all. There is no starting
a career over in your sixties when you health is impaired. There is no recouping financial loss so that
another home may be purchased. And there is no seeming end to grieving the loss of a child taken under
tragic circumstances. There
is no escape. A Different Perspective When Things Fall Apart. Even when women I see have a different faith journey, I
often recommend some Buddhist readings when such a point in life is reached. Buddhist teachings, in fact,
often enhance one’s faith journey. My favorite Buddhist author is Pema Chodron who is an American
Buddhist nun. One of her books is, in fact, entitled The Wisdom of No Escape. But I
usually recommend starting with her book entitled When Things Fall Apart. Both are available in bookstores
or through her website (www.pemachodron.org). READ MORE...
Fall 2008 New Stressors but Familiar Solutions
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D. How have
our stressors changed over the years?
It may seem that the primary sources of our stress have been the
same over our lifetime or even over the centuries. But this is not true. In my ongoing Women's Midlife Group which I have
conducted for over 17 years at my clinic in Northern CA, we had a recent discussion about how our lives have changed…stressors
that we must face that our mothers and grandmothers didn't face, particularly at this phase of life.
The most recent
stressor is that many of the women, single or married, are losing their homes in the recent mortgage crisis. Homelessness
has always been the shame of our nation, but women realize now, more than ever, that they can be a paycheck or a mortgage
payment away from living in their car…if it hasn't been repossessed!
July 2008
RETIREMENT—THE BEGINNING OR THE END
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
In what way is retirement an end phase of life?
For women
who are still working outside the home as the time for retirement approaches, retirement is an important transition signaling
the end of a career. That career may have occupied all of their adult years or have been launched when they stepped out of
the parenting role. It might have been part time to supplement or complement the family income or as the primary provider.
For the majority of women, that career was juggled with responsibilities in the home and in the community.
The transition
may be fuzzier or non-existent for women who chose to work only within the home. In fact, they may be resentful that they
don't get to “retire”, that all their duties and responsibilities remain the same. Only now they have an aimless
spouse underfoot! Read more...
May 2008
STEPPING BACK ON THE SIDEWALK
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
Do you feel you're getting off track?
Those of you who have
been following my columns with NABBW may have noticed that my last new column was a few months back. Quite often my patients
assume that because I am a therapist, I am immune to the ups and downs of life. They forget that I learned my professional
skills in school and through years of practice, and that, underneath the professional veneer, I am the same vulnerable and
sometimes off track human being that they are. In fact, most appreciate when I occasionally share my personal experiences
(which I do only after I feel I have begun to resolve them).
I've been off track these past months for many of the
same reasons that others go off track…too many stressors piled on top of each other. READ MORE...
April 2008
COMPULSIVE SPENDING AND GAMBLING
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
What is Compulsive Spending?
The holidays are a perfect time to discuss compulsive spending. Isn't everyone a compulsive spender
when the holidays roll around? Doesn't our country encourage overspending at this time of year? Isn't racking up the credit
cards the American way of life?
Unfortunately, all of the above
questions can be answered with a yes.
But
for most women...compulsive spending is limited to the holiday season.
For others, the spending has no limit, no season, and, in most cases, no reason. We laugh and call it the spending
cure. But the humor is gone when it becomes addictive. As with other
addictions, there are the signs of craving, withdrawal, post-spending remorse, and a loved one who feels hurt and damaged
by our behavior.
When Does Gambling Become a Problem?
Gambling has also become a national pastime fueled by two major developments in the
gaming industry, which has brought casinos into our neighborhoods and even right into our living room through the internet. READ MORE...
Prior Column
HANDLING JOB STRESS ~ THE THREE
A'S
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
What is Job Stress?
Having a stressful job and experience job stress are two entirely separate things. A job which is
stressful may mean that it is high intensity (such as an air traffic controller), that critical decisions have to be made
(like a caseworker for social services), that long hours are involved (the 24-hour shifts of firefighters), or that quotas
are set for output (a worker on a factory production line). But a well-trained worker, supported and praised by her superiors,
and especially one who has a say in her own working conditions, may thoroughly enjoy her job and never feel that she is suffering
from job stress. READ MORE...
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DEALING WITH LIFE TRANSITIONS
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
What Are Life Transitions?
The two most dramatic life transitions are ones we barely notice or remember-these
are birth and death. Coming into this world and leaving it are events we celebrate or mourn in the lives of others, but
our experience of our own birth amounts to little more than an after-the-fact look at a faded photograph and our experience
of death (unless we have had a near death experience) is entirely in our imaginings.
Most of the life transitions that we have to deal with are in between birth and death: starting
kindergarten, graduating from high school, our first love, losing our virginity, marriage, having children, divorce, empty
nests, having grandchildren, first jobs, promotions, moves, losses of friends and loved ones, retirement, financial reverses
or windfalls. READ MORE...
OVERCOMING LIFE'S DISAPPOINTMENTS
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
Not Sweating the Small Stuff
Small
disappointments occur on a daily if not hourly basis. Bad hair days. A silent phone when a call from a new love
interest was expected. The prime project at work assigned to a co-worker. A much-anticipated event cancelled. A
higher than usual gas and electric bill that means no dinners out this month. A half-pound gain instead of the expected
one-pound loss on the scales.
Most of us feel that small sting of disappointment
and then move on. But this depends on how the disappointment affects us. When how our hair turns out or our current weight
is linked to our self-esteem, a bad hair day or a half-pound gain in weight may mean the cancellation of an important social
event. If being rejected for the plum office project brings up feelings of being discriminated against on the basis of
our race or gender, feelings of anger and hurt may lead us to considering retaliation or resignation. READ MORE...
DEALING WITH SERIOUS ILLNESS
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
Facing the diagnosis.
I have discovered that most serious, chronic, or even life-threatening
illnesses are rarely anticipated even when there is a family history that may indicate a genetic predisposition for that illness.
Women who are overly attentive to their bodies and
visit their doctors too often (i.e., suffer from hypochondriasis) are as equally shocked when a serious illness is diagnosed
as those who considered themselves very healthy and visit the doctor rarely. READ MORE...
THE GIFT OF SINGLENESS
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
Is Singleness a Blessing or a Curse?
I think many single women looking at the title of this month's column are likely to
take exception to the thought that being single is a gift. Unless, of course, they have just extricated themselves from an
abusive situation; in which case, they are breathing a momentary sigh of relief.
But in the long run, most women consider singleness, whether widowed, divorced, never married, or simply flying solo
as a life status filled with loneliness, longing, discrimination (in a coupled world), extra chores, and a sense of unfulfillment.
Yes, there are a scattering of freedoms from having to consider another person's point of view or demands or desires, but
these don't seem to counterbalance the pain.
To understand how
singleness might be a gift and what psychological and spiritual tools we will need to see it as such, let's start with the
other gifts we have been given in life. READ MORE...
THE SEARCH FOR SERENITY
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
God grant me the
serenity...
Everyone is familiar with the Serenity Prayer
written by Reinhold Neibuhr, or at least the first stanza which reads:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and
wisdom to know the difference.
When I recite the first three
words, most of the women whom I see in my psychological practice can recite the rest of the initial stanza. But they do so
with a certain air of resignation. Oh, yeah...THAT! READ MORE...
THE ART OF LETTING GO
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
Letting Go - Is it giving up or getting more?
A large part of my practice over the past 16 years as a psychologist with the nation's largest HMO has been working
with women in their midlife years-which I have chosen to define as anything between forty and death! In earlier columns
I have described how women in this phase of life tend to be too much in the middle of everything-the much
abused and misused filling in the sandwich generation. They also tend to meddle in others' lives-out
of good intentions, but meddling nevertheless. As a result, they end up in a constant muddle-dazed
and confused...and very often resentful.
When I suggest that doing less may mean more...more pleasure, more time, and even more success in those areas of life where
they have meddled the most, women react strongly and usually negatively. READ MORE...
OCD – ON BEING MORE THAN A NEAT FREAK
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
How do you know if you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD?
You know that you might have OCD if you spend much of your time and energy trying to fend off unwelcome, recurrent
thoughts (obsessions) or engaging in repetitive behaviors (compulsions) that you feel driven to perform. You have the
sense that these thoughts and behaviors are irrational or excessive, or have been told so by others, but you have little or
no control over them. READ MORE...
PTSD – THE NORMAL RESPONSE TO AN ABNORMAL EVENT
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
WHAT IS PTSD?
Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder or PTSD is one of the anxiety disorders that can be experienced by anyone. It is experienced by almost
everyone who has experienced some type of severe psychic or physical trauma. That trauma may have occurred in childhood
with symptoms appearing decades after the original traumatic event. Or it may occur during their adult years.
Psychic trauma occurs whenever we feel that our very lives are threatened. READ MORE...
ANXIETY, PANIC DISORDER, AND PHOBIAS – THE SCARY AND THE SCARED
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
ANXIETY
No one alive has escaped the feeling of anxiety. It may consist
of that isolated worry but most women admit to at least one or two periods in their lives when their anxiety was overwhelming.
Is anxiety something we should avoid or get rid of? Not at all. An
anxiety response is a perfectly normal response that we experience when we face the unknown, the difficult, or the unpleasant.
I always remind the women in my midlife support group that if they are not experiencing ANY anxiety, they are probably
not making any changes in their lives or trying anything new. READ MORE..
Midlife for Women - A Play in Three Acts - Act III
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
Although you may escape
the MALADIES, you rarely escape the OVERFILLED PLATE. You find your plate heaped high with
a three-layer GENERATION SANDWICH, plus two helpings of EMPTY BIRD’S-NEST SOUP,
and a side of ROTTEN EGGS.
An example from my own life amply demonstrates the dreaded GENERATION
SANDWICH. I learned first hand in May of 1999 why we are called the Sandwich Generation, caught up in that three-layer
concoction of caring for elderly parents while we are still trying to launch our adult children, and finding ourselves smashed
by duty and diligence at the filling in-between. READ MORE...
Midlife for Women - A Play in Three Acts: Act II
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
ACT II – MASTERING THE MALADIES
The MALADIES
are the FIVE most common conditions that make overcoming the CRUMMIES (see my June 2006 NABBW column) more difficult. They
are MALTREATMENT, MALFUNCTION, MALIGNANCY, MALPRACTICE, and MALARKEY. You probably have one or more in your life that complicate
getting and staying healthy.
MALTREATMENT can be past or present. READ MORE...
Midlife for Women - A Play in Three Acts: Act I
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
ACT I – CRUNCHING THE CRUMMIES
The most common
invaders during our midlife years (which I define as that phase of life anywhere between forty and death) are the FIVE CRUMMIES.
They
are CRUMMY HEALTH, CRUMMY KIDS, CRUMMY PARTNERS, CRUMMY JOBS, and CRUMMY DEALS. They come in pairs or trios, or even a quintet.
They break down your defenses, cause you to stumble, even to fall. The following are some specific antidotes and action plans
when the CRUMMIES hit. READ MORE...
Dealing With Your Depression - Column IV
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
COLUMN FOUR: DECIDING IF YOU NEED MEDICATION
Let me begin by reminding you that
I am a psychologist and, therefore, do not prescribe medications. Medications are prescribed only by MDs, either psychiatrists
or general practitioners. My knowledge of medication management comes from 37 years of being in practice and working closely
with the psychiatrists or other MDs who have prescribed medications for my patients.
In this month’s column I
want to give you some general advice to help you decide whether you might need to be medicated for your depression.
READ MORE...
Dealing With Your Depression - Column III
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
COLUMN THREE: CHANGE YOUR DEPRESSED MOOD THROUGH ACTION
When
you think therapy do you imagine lying on a leather couch five days a week for twenty years or doing the California
touchy-feely thing with a guru sitting in the lotus position?
For heavens sake, you’re in midlife! You don’t
have twenty years to waste. And you would rather spend your money on one good outfit from Saks Fifth Avenue—if you could
just get over this depression thing and go shopping.
Are you good at following straightforward common-sense advice?
At least willing to try? READ MORE...
Dealing With Your Depression - Column II
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
COLUMN TWO: NAME THAT TUNE: A DESCRIPTION OF DEPRESSIVE AND
MOOD DISORDERS
Depression has been called by many names over the span of human existence.
“D”
words win with the most entries…which seems only fair—Despondency Despair Disconsolate Dispirited Doleful Downbeat
Downcast Downhearted Dejected Down in the Dumps Desolate
“B” words have a nice bluesy feeling—Blahs
Blues Blue devils Blue funk
“M” words are found in classical literature—Melancholic (big with the
ancient Greeks) Moody Miserable Moping Mournful Mirthless (very Edwardian). READ MORE...
Dealing With Your Depression - Column I
By Karen Stephen, Ph.D.
COLUMN ONE: FIND OUT MORE ABOUT YOUR DEPRESSED MOOD
Question: Why did the chicken cross
the road?
Answer: To prove to the possum that it could be done.
Didn’t laugh? Two options.
One, you
are a dyed-in-the-feathers animal lover and find no humor in chickens or possums, nor in any irreverent combination of the
two.
Two, you’re depressed.
Now I know this isn’t a scientific method of diagnosing depression,
but it’s a place to start. READ MORE...
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