Doctor Flamingo Online

Flying Solo - Surviving Divorce

The Problem	Suggested Approaches (Take what you like and leave the rest.)
I can't believe it's happening!	You don't have to like it, but you need to accept the fact that the separation or divorce is actually taking place for any other problem solving to be effective.  Otherwise, you will keep heading toward solutions that are ineffective and even harmful.
I don't need or want an attorney!	Obtaining legal advice simply informs you of your rights and responsibilities in a separation or divorce.  It is always your choice when to go ahead with filing.  The man who is leaving you is NOT the wisest source for legal advice!
What about the children?	Simply put...children who survive a divorce do so because their primary caretaker has taken steps to preserve her own emotional and mental health.  Remaining in a home where there is constant tension, verbal abuse, even violence is not a healthy option for children.
I'm the guilty party!  I can't ask for anything.	A few years from now, your focus will be more on the fairness and equity of the property and custody arrangements.  Both parties survive better in the long run when blame or guilt is not the basis for settlements.
But he promises to _____ (fill in the blank).	His promises go along with your wishing and hoping he'll change.  A sure sign of codependency where alcohol, drugs, gambling, infidelity, etc. are the issue.  Recovery is never a matter of promises!!  By stepping out of his life you are removing the enabler...which can only be positive in the long run.
I can't sleep or eat!	Sleep and appetite disturbance along with crying, impaired concentration, and anxiety are the hallmarks of going through a difficult separation or divorce.  This symptoms will subside with time.  Interestingly, women almost always feel better when they have made a firm decision about the direction they will head in.
He's threatening to_____(fill in the blank).	Check with your attorney, get support from family, obtain a restraining order if necessary.  Deal with threats realistically.  Don't be afraid to call 911 if the situation warrants it.  Your safety is of upmost importance.  Abusive husbands become more dangerous when their wives make a final decision to leave.
When will I feel better?	The acute emotional pain takes several months to begin to subside.  Any court or legal event aggravates the situation...expect that.  The first year of any loss is the most difficult.  Three years down the road, you won't remember his name!
Should I move on with a new relationship?	During the separation/divorce process, new relationships tend to add fuel to the fire...even though they can feel comforting.  Remember though, of remarriages within two years of a prior divorce, ninety-five percent end in divorce.  If you love him, wait a while!